I'm a sore loser

I hate losing.

Dunno why the sudden urge to blog about this now, but yea.

Looking back at my life so far, i dare say that even though i may not be the best in everything i do, I always strive to be one of the best. It applies to everything.

Since primary school, I had a niche for trying to learn from the best. If classmate A was gifted in math and science, I would make sure that I learn as much as I can from him/her so that i'll be on par with him/her. At the same time, I'll make sure at least ONE of my other subjects (Chinese, English) was better than him/her. I'm not sure whether it was due to my upbringing or it was genetically inbuilt in me, but this 'competitiveness' propelled me through the rest of my academic years, be it high school, junior college or even uni. I never truly believed that there was one guy who was smarter and than me in EVERYTHING.

This drive to win and be among the best extended to other areas as well. Games, dance, running, basketball, and even work. I was never content with ever being placed behind somebody in anything.

My love for sports, especially basketball, stems from the satisfaction of winning a close game. My close friends would know this. I derive no joy from winning a one-sided game, but i do get pissed if I lose even if the odds are clearly against me. And even though I may not show much emotion after I lose a game, deep down I'm fuming and swearing to myself that I'll win the next game.

Same goes for running. My parents often question me why I signed up for so many 10, 21, 42km runs. Besides seeing it as a great opportunity to test my physical and mental limits, I see it as a chance to outdo myself, to win my established beliefs in my body limits. I constantly set new target timings for myself. The sense of satisfaction and achievement derived from completing such runs are highly addictive and could never be comprehended by those who have yet to try.

In work, however, my way of thinking have changed. And here is where I start to bitch about work. In my first year, I strived hard. I took on loads of work and gave my all for every presentation, discussion, meeting, exercise planning, basically everything that I was involved in. However, when ranking came, I felt that I was not given what I thought I deserved.

Not giving up, I tried again for the 2nd year, putting myself under tremendous stress by taking up multiple taskings. The result turned out to be the same. Now I believe humans are all rational creatures. If hard work and good efforts are not being recognized and rewarded, the only rational choice is to stop trying so hard.

I was the only one from my workplace who passed the tough ROA course in the first sitting.
I have attended 3 courses with external agency A. In fact, I'm the only one in my workplace who have completed all 3 courses, with flying colours. Yet my request to be posted to agency A for my next tour have become.. as they term it, 'no sound no picture'. What's worse? there have been 2 trips to France and 2 trips to Sweden, and I'm being denied of both of them.

I've also been ousted from the lastest trip to SA, even though people from agency A specifically asked me to go.

So what's my rational choice of action now? simple.

I will perform to whatever level you have graded me. And for the one that the management has tried to groom, good luck to u all when he leaves the organisation next year.

Yes, I'm a sore loser, but who isnt?

Its been awhile..

Its been so long since I last logged in to this blog, that I've almost forgotten what my password was.

seriously.

Not to say that I no longer have things to say. I do still feel the urge to blog about certain things from time to time, but when the time comes and I finally sit down in front of the computer, I've lost the impetus to start typing about anything anymore. Until today.

I've suddenly realised I've hit the wall. No of course not literally. What I mean is I feel like I've become so settled in my daily routine that I seem to have lost the drive and urge to try something new. Something is lacking, and the problem is I don't know what it is.

Work is alright. And by alright I mean manageable. I'm thankful for having lesser commitments this year (and hence less stress) but besides that nothing has changed. For all the shit that I did for last year, I do still feel like I'm not being ranked for what I deserve. In a certain sense I've lost faith in the ranking process, not just for myself, but for my guys too. people are no longer ranked according to how much they've done, but rather how much 'exposure' they have (ie how much the higher-ups know you).

I recently attended a course on core values. And although I do admit that initially it seemed to me like a course to 'brainwash' us again, I was glad to be quickly proven wrong. The course serve as a timely reminder, at least for myself. I was deeply moved by the facilitator, not because he was a great presenter, but rather because of his sincerity. This was a man who has served in the military all his life, and who truly believes in upholding the core values. It was he who reminded me of why we needed the SAF, back in the days where peace cannot be taken for granted. It was he who reminded me that we are in the military, a profession that requires us to kill if we have to. Many who join the military in recent years forget that it is not just a 'job' or a 'career'. People seldom look past the monetary incentives (salary, bonuses) when they sign on, and these people who signed on for superficial gains would, ultimately, leave the organization. Simply because they see it as 'just another job'.

Outside of work, life is also pretty much the same. I still play bball almost every sunday with WL. Bball has played a great part in my life, and although our bball kakis have dwindled down to ust the 2 of us, I'm just glad to be still able to play every week.

Netball wise, the team manager is trying to hold the team together. Truth is there seems to be no loyalty to the team. A few better players who were initially playing for us have 'jumped ship' to a better rival team, players not turning up for training or even matches. Its disheartening, and I salute the team manager for trying to keep things going despite all these. For me, I still see it as an opportunity to exercise and learn a new sport, or perhaps its just the thrill of the adrenaline rush when we play competitively.

I've stopped dancing for almost a year now, and I'm hoping to pick it up again. yet at the same time I'm torn between my interest in dance and my other commitments. More likely than not, it seems like I'll have to sacrifice dance for now.

yup just a quick sum up of whats been happening. signing off =)

Angst

This is gonna be an angsty post, as the title suggests..

probably in the near future as i look back on this I'll be smiling/laughing at myself, wondering why I was so pissed stressed, but for now I just need to ventilate, so here goes:


"Dear Dy Chairman,

Fuck you.

Yeah, seriously. Fuck you.

I really wonder how you managed to survive for so long in office without having to do anything. Oh wait, maybe that is exactly why you survived for so long.

you maintain that you should be 'overseeing' everything, which basically means you don't get your hands dirty in DOING anything. But can you please at least KNOW what's going on and not waste everyone's time?

Why e hell would we need a Organising chairman who's already OVERSEEING everything, and then another Dy Chairman who also sits back and oversee things again? Oh, I know! cos you can conveniently push all the shit jobs to some poor soul known as the SECRETARY, which happens to be me. just my luck eh?

Liase with conveners? Secretary.
Liase with SAFSA and SAA? Secretary.
Liase with Police and Prisions? Secretary.
Do Publicity posters? Secretary.
Write Admin Instructions? Secretary.
Plan Commications net? Secretary.
Come up with Events list? Secretary.
Come up with Manpower requirements? Secretary.
Master Cue table? Secretary.
Anything else that does not seem to belong to anybody? Secretary.

yeah. nevermind that I'm just one person. Anyway your job is just to throw out all kinds of instructions and expect ppl to follow-up so that if things go well you can claim the glory and say 'yea I told them to do tt' and if things go awry you can say 'I told them before they need to do tt'. Smart! and what do you need to do? you attend posh dinners at hotels with SAA and their sponsors, and you have the fucking cheek to ask me to register your name for the dinner. Oh and I almost forgot despite going for the dinner and supposedly building relationships with the sponsors for our event, you have conveniently tai-ji-ed the responsibility of sponsorship to someone else!

Why am I working my ass of and stressing myself so hard for? At the end of the day if everything goes well, the most I get is a 'thank you'. I don't get a big fat cheque to cash into my bank account, nor do I get a promotion. Its just another sai-kang that needs to be done and guess wat? since I had the dubious honor of experiencing it this year, i should make use of my experience and do it again next year!!

Fuck you.

I take this entry as an opportunity to promise myself. That I will endure for this time round. but when it comes to annual feedback in April, I'm gonna request to see CO for an interview. I'm gonna tell him to either change off the DyChairman, or take me out as the secretary.

I've had enough."

2010

Looking back, I really have to say that time really flies once we become 'working adults'.

So fast that it didn't even feel like 2010 had ended just like tt, or perhaps the fact is I've been too busy to notice the passage of time. So as I'm writing this I'm trying my very best to recall what's been happening for the past year.

I remembered starting the year off with a week's trip to taiwan with my secondary school buddies. Was a really enjoyable trip and was glad all of us got to know each other better in the process! and although i've already been to taiwan twice now, I can't seem to get enough of it. Feels like going on another trip to taiwan this year =)

Chinese New Year came on Valentine's Day so I managed to somehow escape the feeling of emptiness of having to stay at home during V day.

That was followed by my brother's wedding in April. Wasn't really involved in the wedding preparations actually (except for being the co-emcee). Had the dubious honor of being a 'brother' for the first time haha..

In May there's the trip to Bali with another group of my secondary school frens. was a nice experience overall but still think that Bali has been overly commercialised and has lost its rustic charm. Sad to say it hasn't lost any of its tourists though. Also went to KL with my family cos my brother need to hold a wedding dinner there as well. enjoyed the 2 short getaways =)

In October my baby nephew came into the world. With a new cute and cuddly addition to the family I had hoped that he would ease the omni-present tension that always seem to surround my parents. Budden again with every solution comes another problem, and now my nephew has become the spark that ignites their arguments.

Work has not been good. In fact, I came to realise that the only enjoyable part about work nowadays is where i can be away from my office attending courses. Kana super many big big arrows the past year. Live firing exercise, writing article for magazine, march in SAF Day parade, being secretary for a committee headed by useless chairmen, and not forgetting my netball commitments.

I also realise that I'm no longer looking forward to go to work. Just early last year I was still tellign my friends that I enjoy my work. But now, I really have got no motivation whatsoever. Is it because I've lost interest in my work? I think not. Its probably due to the fact that I've got tonnes of shit being shoved onto me, and yet I'm being denied of reward trips after I clear up the mess. great.

alright enough of random babblings. shall dedicate a post to bitch about work soon, when I can find time and energy to do so.

Busy

Dear Blog,

I know its been quite a while since i published anything here.. my apologies for that..

its not that i do not have anything to blog about anymore, but rather there's been too many things happening that its hard to even sit down and spend half an hour penning down my thoughts here.

Work has taken its toll on me. Just last week I spent 2 days out in the field in some ulu place in tuas south for training under BOTH rain and shine. nearly fell sick then. this week I spent another 2 days going for my range shoot. At least the effort paid off and I achieved marksman for the first time! $200 into my wallet! =) Next week I'll have to spend at least another 2 days out in the field at tuas south again... really need to take a break during the christmas week.

It doesnt help that I've got a live firing exercise to prepare for, or that my secondary appointment as a secretary of the organising committee of track and field is any less taxing. Worse, I'm working under incompetent bosses who simply throw everything to me while they sit back, sip their coffees and keep prompting me for updates. If there's anything I've learnt from this secondary appointment, its this:

Never be a secretary for any organising committee, especially when the chairman/ dychairman are people who are simply postmen who delegate work but never really get their hands dirty in doing anything at all. As a result, ANYTHING that doesnt fall under any sub-committee becomes the job of the secretary, who is just a one-man army. you get the point.

and perhaps because of all the endless demands placed on me, I guess my mindset has sort of changed. In the past, I would have taken up all these demands and did every single one of them to the best of my abilities. Now, however, I realise that it has come to a stage where I'm unable to accomplish EVERYTHING to the standard I'd have preferred. So instead of doing everything, i'll just focus on the ones with higher priorities and heck the rest.


Apart from work, I'm trying to achieve balance to spend time for my gf, my family, my friends, and myself. Its not easy, but i'm doing what I can.

After all, I have only one pair of hands, one brain, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week.

A thought suddenly struck me while i was having brunch in front of the tv just now..

The simplest of joys in life are those that cannot be bought.

On my journey to work everyday, I cannot help but observe the faces of the people crammed in the MRT together with me. Packed like sardines in a can, no one was smiling. everywhere i looked it was the same dull, expressionless face that was crying out for more sleep, less work, and more money.

MORE money.

So many people that i know of are slogging their asses off in office everyday, drawing salaries that can more than provide them with a comfortable life, and yet having so little time to be able to spend it.

for myself, money is the means to an end. Ultimately, the money that is earned is used to do something that hopefully makes us happy. buying of bags/shoes/clothes/accessories, eating good food, going overseas for holidays.

But yet, there are simpler joys in life.

spending time with your family..

appreciating the warmth of home-cooked food..

staying up late not having to worry abt waking up for work tml..

waking up late without the alarm clock ringing in your ears..

listening to your favourite music..

catching the sunrise/ sunset..

or even just being able to hold hands with the person you love.

All these basic joys don't require us to be financially well off, and yet these basic joys are too often taken for granted.


Treasure what you have my friends, for money is just a mean to an end =)

Letter

I dunno what exactly triggered me to blog this.. perhaps it was e conversation with dad on the way home today? in any case I've been wanting to speak to you about these thoughts for quite some time le just couldn't really bring it up to you face to face. so here's hoping that you'll chance across this entry, brother =)

I remembered after my O levels there was once you spoke to me, asking me whether i wanted to go JC or Poly to continue my education, and I chose JC because i had wanted to go to uni and do engineering, and JC was the faster path. u asked a question then that threw me off balance.

'why engineering?'

I wanted so much to say tt it was my interest, that engineering was what i wanted to do all along.. but then again i knew tt was a lie. I chose engineering because i happen to do well in engineering-related subjects such as physics and math. because I guessed that an engineering degree would probably guarantee me a stable job and a decent pay after i graduate. towards the later part of my life i justified that it was because of my career with the airforce as an engineer, which required me to pursue an engineering degree.truth is, i never really liked engineering, i just happened to do well in it.

U told me then. of your dreams and aspirations. of how you could never tolerate a 9-5 job doing the same thing over and over everyday. of how you wanna venture out and really do something you like. I was so envious of you. that you could have such ambitions despite the fact that we are in a country that thrives on elitism. where a uni degree is almost a must-have to apply for a job with decent pay. I was so envious that you were not affected by all these intangible red tapes. deep down, i actually wished that you could prove me wrong, that one does not need such qualifications to survive in the real world. I believed with the drive you have, eventually you will succeed in your own way =)

years flew past. and what happened? you kept claiming that you are still young, that there are still opportunities outside, that you still wish to venture.

Hello? knock knock? wake up already. Young? you are turning 30 in 8 months' time, and you are still drawing a salary of a fresh poly graduate. young?? you are married with a wife and soon a kid to feed. our parents are gonna be 60 in another couple of years. Mum's not working, Dad's business is going downhill and even if its not, how long do you want him to continue working? Both of them have no CPF and sis-in-law's chances of getting her PR status is getting slimmer by the day. HELLO?? Am I the only one who is worried about these issues?

you said you hate having to work in an office environment. you think the working world is full of hypocrites. you think your bosses are incompetent fools and are not understanding. you find your job boring with no satisfaction whatsoever. you think you work your ass off and is only paid peanuts. well guess wat? Everyone feels the same way too!

welcome to the real world bro. to quote your advice when i broke up with my ex, 'time to wake up and smell the shit'. stop complaining and DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THINGS BETTER!

you think your pay is shit? then go upgrade yourself and make yourself deserve better. dun keep complaining that you have no money to study (or the fact that you dun like studying). low pay = no money = cannot afford to upgrade = low pay. its a neverending cycle dude. do something to jump out of it. save up, take up another job, anything besides complaining. you think i'm doing my dream job now? you think there aren't times where i feel overworked and underpaid? you think my bosses are perfectly accomodating people?

Before you can speak of your dreams and aspirations, you need to bow down to the cold hard reality and feed the stomach first. its as simple as that.

hearing from dad that you are actually considering to venture cross the border just pisses me off. really. have you spared a thought for mum and dad before you considered that option? stop thinking about urself alr. you have a problem? solve it. don't just run away from it cos its more convenient. that was not the brother i knew from so long ago.